Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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