these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
