I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
