based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
