apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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