Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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