Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
