2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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