ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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