I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
