i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
