I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
