I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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