I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
