you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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