My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
