And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
