Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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