i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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