at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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