Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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