I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
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The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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