You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
