There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't deserve a penis
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
