I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
