i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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