oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
