I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
