im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
