What did we do last night that was yellow?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
