I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
