How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
