I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
