my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
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Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize