mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
