She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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