She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
