Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
