So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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