There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
