After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
