Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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