tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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