I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
