you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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