last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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