i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
