I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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