yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
