Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
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i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
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I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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