there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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