Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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