Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
