4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
