bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
