i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
