Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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