it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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