Banned from zoo.
Again?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
