Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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