Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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